i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
