I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
