New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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