If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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