I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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