ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
COCAINE IS GR8
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
