I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
