You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
