Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
