I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
