my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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