I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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