two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
why do cheetos always look like penises
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
