Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
