Only a mothe r could love this liver
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
