All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
