R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
