My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
