you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
