i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
