why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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