Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
