I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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