Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
