Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
