how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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