I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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