I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
