She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
