my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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