You just made me feel so damn special
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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