Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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