we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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