I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
