super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
