Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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