Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
