I am in a vortex of obligation.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
