Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
