he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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