I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
