Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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