you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
