my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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