Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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