I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
