i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
