We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
