you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
