Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
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Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
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Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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