You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
