god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
