I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
