The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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