I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
