She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
