At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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