the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
