He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Acid is not a monday night drug
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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